Injured David Beckham hasn’t managed to play in a game that counts yet, but he has already drawn criticism from the last guy ordained as the savior of American soccer. Pele, in a interview last week, warned Beckham about the glitz and glamour of off the field Los Angelas and called the Brit more of a “pop-star” than a “footballer.”
Actually, Pele, Beckham is more of a ghost than a pop-star. At least pop-stars at some point make a record. Beckham hasn’t even practiced yet. His wife is more visible than he is (unless she turns sideways). As for his impact on American fans? Oh, he’s had impact. He’s ticked them off. Why else would they have bought tickets to his 3 no-shows? It’s like going to the red carpet and seeing…carpet.
Every 5 years, people predict soccer could “take off” in America. Every five years, it doesn’t happen. Why? Because Americans don’t want to watch anything less than the best possible athletes. That’s why the USFL and Arena Football failed as TV sports, that’s why the CBA doesn’t have a TV contract, and that’s why ESPN2 doesn’t show minor league baseball every night.
Pro soccer can’t become a major American sport when 99.7% of the quality players play overseas. It’s a fact.
So what’s my silver lining? That people keep stupidly perpetrating the “every kid grows up playing soccer – those are the kids who become adults and who might buy tickets” argument. You know what else I did as a kid? I gave myself a Muslim name. I ate my own boogers. I seethed because Wile E. Coyote never caught the Road Runner. I checked my closet every night to make sure an evil clown wasn’t there. I left my baby teeth under my pillow because a fairy gave me money for them. None of these things has any correlation to my life now. The fact remains: Americans will never care that Beckham is playing soccer in a league of half-decent guys, just like English people wouldn’t care if they had a mediocre baseball league and the London team had A-Rod.
In time Beckham will actually kick a ball, but the circus has moved on. The NFL is around the corner and so is baseball pennant chases. And soccer elitist will once again have this lesson slapped across their black and white checkered cheeks: Just because the rest of the world loves it, doesn’t mean we have to.
But here is a tip for the next guy you want to hand $250 million to as the savior – make sure his ankles are healthy you’re putting a lot of weight on those babies.
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I think every kid plays soccer because it's the easiest sport for uncordinated people to play. Anyone can connect their foot with a ball that size. Hitting a baseball is harder. Shooting a hoop is harder. Football might not be harder, but it hurts.
So after fifth grade or so, all the good athletes will go play basketball or baseball or football, and all the other soccer players will form garage bands or discover World of Warcraft and never watch a sporting event again.
So says I.
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