"I'm going to die someday." - Me
Not quite the glowing update you may have been expecting. But alot has been going on lately. Things/life has been so very fast for Michele and I over the last couple of months. No doubt the biggest reason is that we have a child that is roughly 5 weeks away from entering our household. Throw in the Holidays, which always move fast, and the phenomanon that we all feel that time is "flying by" and I think I have a grasp on what the speed of light feels like. This fact is compounded further since yesterday was Michele's and mine 4 year wedding anniversary. 4 years! Hard to believe. Additonally, in less than 2 weeks, I'll celebrate my 9th year in the 20s. Yep, that puts me on the front porch of 30 and knocking on the door. WOW!
But yet, Michele and I aren't even half way to a decade of marriage and even 10% to the magical number of 50. Also, I am not even half way to the retirement age of 65. So time appears to be "flying by" but is it really? There is still so much to go and so much to do. As my life reaches these milestones it actually becomes exciting to me. Something new is going to happen and I am going to be able to enjoy and do the things I like again. Some may say I haven't had my moment of self-realization or an "epiphany" like others. But I have, the first time I realized I was going to die.
Do not get me wrong, I still feel trepidation and my nerves go crazy when I begin to think about death and that more than likely my internal clock will hit triple zeros. Some nights it grips more than others. My breathing gets very shallow and my heart beats so fast, I feel it could explode. Probably on the verge of hyperventilating.
But so what. That's the what I want to get to...So What.
Many nights I stay awake contemplating death and realizing I do not want to die. Realizing that I love my wife too much and enjoy sex with her too much. Realizing I like laughing at funny jokes and eating grilled chicken slathered in BBQ sauce. Realizing I like sleeping in on Saturday mornings and rising early on Sunday with a hot, dark cup of coffee and a good book. Realizing I love my family and the family-wide reunions and get togethers we have. Realizing there are things I still want to do and enjoy for the first time. Hug my child, experience life as a grandparent, actually retire from work. Realizing life is good and I am fortunate to have such a life that I do not want to die, ever. But I still fall asleep, get up every morning and live another day in the life of Brian. Enjoying new pleasures and life milestones. Getting another day to experience life and get one day closer to some of things above I hope to do someday.
New updates to add to my life and share with the people around me I love and care for. New updates I can add to those same people's life by being a friend and being a family member and being a loved one to them. Maybe the threat of death is one of the greatest motivations to the how and why I chose to live my life.
And I am not sure that is a good thing, but is it a bad thing?
I do not know.
2 comments:
Brian,
I really enjoyed this post. I think one reason I enjoyed it so much is the fact that I've had the same contemplative nights - evenings haunted by the Reaper and his ice cold threats.
But one thing I've found and something that you pointed out in this post is the fact that life's limited quantity only assists us in enjoying it. We can know the joy of life by remembering that we will not always have it.
No matter what your eschatological beliefs, you still have to consider the fact that there will probably be a time where either you or your wife will have to sleep alone and that should be a motivation to enjoy the nights you have together. Those nights are limited and precious, so make them wonderful.
Thanks Corey. The comments/feedback is greatly appreciated. I have had more thoughts on this since posting this and I may add to it in the coming weeks, or even months.
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